You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
