I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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