i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
