I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
