Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
