Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We need to get me chipped asap
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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