I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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