I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
