Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize