What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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