i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
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apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
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The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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