shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
he thought i was a dude.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
