The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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