We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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