did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
