If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
