I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
