did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
