It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
so let's talk penis.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Boobs speak an international language.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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