a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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