hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
