Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
