maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
