I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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