he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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