Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
