I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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