so that wasnt chicken after all
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
