totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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