Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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