so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
