I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
