Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
