Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
