I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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