I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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