hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
