if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
