Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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