I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
