If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
