His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
