Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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