nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
