and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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