Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
pop tarts are not kleenex
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
