just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
