If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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