I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
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You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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