My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
