I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
