When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
