he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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